He's still Autistic.

This post may ruffle a few feathers but I feel like I need to be heard.

Today we took Bot to the dentist for a second attempt at getting a couple cavities filled. The first time I took him for the procedure, he melted down in fear. The dentist gave me the option of rescheduling three months later or having the cavities filled in the hospital under anesthesia. I was okay with just skipping the whole in-office ordeal and going straight to the hospital except that it was going to cost us significantly more because of our insurance deductible. When I say it would cost more, I mean jumping up from a couple hundred to a couple thousands of dollars. We don't have that kind of money laying around so opted for the first option to try another attempt of doing it all in office. We have talked about it for months and even practiced wearing the strawberry scented nitrous oxide mask. We bribed him. Bot was actually excited! That is until it came time to go through with it and then he clung to his Daddy for dear life. The dentist apologized and told us that he would not be able to fill the cavities and that we were more than welcome to try the hospital or seek a second opinion. Fine. No huge surprise.

Despite that none of that came as a surprise it was still a massive slap in the face. The slap that reminded me that Bot isn't like most NT kids. The slap that reminded me that even though I want to sign him up for tee-ball, I should know better because it too will end up like everything else does with Bot in meltdown mode and adults and children giving me "that look". The slap that reminded me that hardly anyone takes me seriously when I say Bot has Autism.

That moment at the dentist office is one that I wish I could have recorded so that every time someone remarks how they think Bot is manipulating me, they see that often his actions come from fear and difficulties in processing....not manipulation or being a spoiled brat.

Yes, I am thankful that my child can talk. I am thankful he can walk. I am thankful that he is overall a pretty healthy child and that I am not constantly worried that each breath will be his last. I am beyond thankful to God for my blessings that I do not even deserve. But that doesn't mean that we do not struggle and that we should not be allowed to be frustrated with the everyday battles we face. Whenever someone says "it could be worse" or "someone has it worse than you", you have essentially just said to me that my feelings are not valid. Bot can do all of these things that other children cannot do, but he also cannot do many things that NT children can. Am I not supposed to be upset about that? Am I not supposed to be sad when I walk past all those precious little crafts the kids in Sunday School made but one is missing, the one that should have my child's name on it. Am I not supposed to be upset when my child who is obsessed with sports, cannot participate on a team or in lessons but is instead throwing tennis balls at the other kids heads? Oh wait, I should just be thankful that he has an arm to throw and color with. Is that it? And then there's that one big rub. Public School. Ya know, the place that is supposed to give a free appropriate education to all. They completely disrespected Bot's struggles and my concerns and continued to pull services from him until we finally chose to pull him out.

Bot has been in therapy since he was a baby. He has learned some incredible coping and management skills for being out in public that has fortunately yet unfortunately given people the impression that he's not as Autistic as he is. He hides it well most of the time because we are quick to whisk him away when we see the meltdown begin or we know not to even leave the house if there's a high risk of one. What you don't see is me sneaking out early to soothe him around the corner. You don't see the tight squeezes I give him on his arms or hear the whispers of reassurance I'm often whispering to him. Bot talks. He pretend plays. His ability to do academic type things surpass the other kids his age. He even reads. But do not, DO NOT let that negate the fact that he has an Autism diagnosis that very much must be dealt with. He needs help and I need help and all of you who continue to tell me that you just don't see it or that you only think he is manipulating me, should come and spend 24 hours in our home. Autism means that my child cannot self soothe, therefore I have to sleep with him every single night. Autism means that my child, while he can talk, cannot describe his feelings to me. Autism means that the teeniest things can overstimulate him. It also means that if events do not go how he has planned, he will be sent into a tailspin that he cannot recover from for hours, even days. Autism means that sometimes, we just don't leave the house. Autism means that my child eats only about 5 different foods on a good day. Autism means that my child has GI issues that often set us back when we think we've made progress on potty training. Autism takes a toll on my relationship with my other child and on my marriage.

So before you assume that he's cured or manipulating me, stop and ask me first how things are going. Ask me about his school. Ask me about his diagnosis and ask questions. I promise you that you asking the questions you are afraid to ask, is actually a lot more respectful than assumptions.